Things That Kill Friendships

At the root of every bad relationship is Selfishness and Pride. They are both produced out of a profound sense of genuine Insecurity. Let me explain….

A person begins by being self-reliant. This is a disguised form of pride. At first, it seems like a good thing, even a virtue. But when it becomes excessive, we lose out on relationships and relationship building. “I don’t need help”…”I’ve got this”…”I want to be alone”…”I like to do things by myself”. All of these are signs of self-reliant behavior which is a slow bomb to your relationships. People need people. It’s that simple. Being self-reliant can cause a person to believe they don’t need people anymore; or worse, people just become props and necessities to accomplish their tasks.   

Its cousin is Perfectionism. Perfectionists don’t want your help because you will slow them down, they can do it better, or at least better without you. But they are setting themselves up!  Perfectionists will find that people might not congratulate them, or worse, find something wrong with their efforts, causing the perfectionist to become defensive.   

Defensiveness. Defensive people are unable to listen to other points of view because they already know—and—know better. They take things personal. Everything in their life is an attachment of their self. Therefore, pride ensues, selfishness is tempted and insecurities start setting in. This is exactly why defensive people suffer from their insecurities and cannot form relationships, at least beyond an acquaintance or casual friendship.

Insecurity gives-way to offense very easily. The Bible speaks of the believer not being easily offended. In other words, being “easily derailed” or “knocked off course” due to having your feelings on your shoulders. Some are easily offended—this should not be so. Instead of noticing what that person did or didn’t do, notice how they have grown, not who they once were. Only a secure believer can do that.  

Competition. Competition is a deadly disease that is encouraged in churches today. I’ve heard all the excuses as to why competition is either good or good only in ‘moderation’. The fact of the matter is, it’s one of the most destructive weapons in Satan’s arsenal on our relationships.  Competition is Satan’s choice weapon which appeals to the flesh. Those who relent to it are being drugged. It is their heroin! They have to have more! It is in fact, pride. Show me a passage that explains where healthy competition is to be enjoined by believers….

Personal growth in Christ effects all other relationships. If you are not growing, it will in-turn effect all other platforms because our growth in Him is relationship based. Our fellowship will affect other fellowships…1-3 John all talk about this dynamic. Imagine a pyramid: As we grow closer to Christ, we begin viewing our relationships as He views them, thus pulling us naturally together and away from relationships we shouldn’t have. 

Let me add – Stubbornness. This is the grossest outflow of pride. Wisdom literature in the Old Testament has much to say about this. It is sin. Yet, today it is the most often excused character quality amongst Christians…“I’m just stubborn,” they say. It is terribly destructive because it is the antithesis to the cure of all relationship killers… Love. 

The answer to these death blows, is a rare form of love today called agape love. It is the Greek term most used to describe God’s love for us. It is also the most used term in the New Testament. It’s the game changer! Humans cannot duplicate it. It has to come natural from within, from the Holy Spirit. It is simply defined as self-sacrificing and unconditional. If we were to be more self-sacrificing and more unconditional about our love for others, most of this previous list would vanish. These types of love are to grow more and more. 

Therefore, these questions have to be raised: 

If you love someone self-sacrificingly, would you be stubborn towards them when they say or need something?  

If you love someone unconditionally, would you be offended so easily?  

If you loved someone like God loves you, would you be so defensive or demand perfection from them?  

The answer to all of these is no. We have to come back to love. We have got to be the disciple that loves like Jesus did (and still does) or else how can we call ourselves disciples?