“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” (John 13.34)
For a few moments, consider with me the things that kill all of our fellowship with others. At the root of every bad relationship is: Selfishness and Pride. They are both produced out of a profound sense of genuine insecurity. Let me explain…
A person begins by being Self-reliant. This is a disguised form of pride. At first it seems like a good thing, even a virtue. But inevitably we lose out on our fellowship, closeness, and all relationship building. ‘I don’t need help’, ‘Ive got this’, ‘I want to be alone’, ‘I like to do things by myself’… are all signs of self-reliant behavior. It’s a slow bomb to your relationships. People need people. It’s that simple, and being self-reliant can cause a person to believe they do not need people anymore. Or worse, others become props and necessities to accomplish their tasks of fulfilling themselves.
It’s cousin is Perfectionism. They don’t want your help. Because you will slow them down. They can do it better, or at least better without you. But they are setting themselves up! Eventually people will not congratulate the perfectionist, or worse they may find something wrong with it and cause the perfectionist to become defensive.
Since we went there, the next thing that kills is: Defensiveness. Never able to listen to other points of view because they already know—and—know better. They take things personal. Everything in their life is an attachment of their self. Therefore pride ensues, selfishness is tempted, and now the insecurities are setting in. At this point, this person cannot form relationships, at least beyond the acquaintance or casual level, because they are suffering from their insecurities. The will become presumptuous with others, thinking they are closer than they actually are. These will eventually dwindle down to a few people they ‘feel’ they can ‘trust’. There is no trust, it’s a matter of time before someone accidentally corrects them.
Insecurity gives-way to Offense very easily. The Bible speaks of the believer not being easily offended. In other words: easily de-railed or knocked off course. Someone who quits easily, or at least backs off from going all in. All of this is due to having your feelings on your sleaves. Some are easily offended—this should not be so (Colossians 3.13). Instead of noticing what that person did or didn’t do, notice rather how they have grown. Not who they once were, before, but what God is making them to be. Only a secure believer can do that.
Competition. Competition is a deadly disease that is encouraged in churches today. I’ve heard of all the excuses as to why competition is either good or good only in ‘moderation’. The fact of the matter is: It is one of the most destructive weapons in Satan’s arsenal on our relationships. It’s His choice weapon. It appeals to the flesh, and only the flesh. Romans 8 tells us not to live of the flesh, at all! The one who relents to it, is being drugged. It’s their relational heroin. They have to have more, all the time. Another ‘hit’ will always be necessary. It’s, in fact, pride. This is why someone reading this would immediately defend their position against what they just read. Show me a passage that explains where healthy competition is to be enjoined by believers… I’m waiting.
Personal growth in Christ effects all other relationships as well. If you are not growing, it will in-turn affect all other platforms. Because our growth in Him is relationship based. Our fellowship will affect other fellowships. The books of First, Second, and Third John all talk about this dynamic. Picture in your mind’s eye a pyramid. Jesus at the top and you at the left bottom corner, the other person at the right bottom corner. Picture arrows pointing up the side walls of the pyramid, pointing toward the top, which is labeled Jesus. As we grow closer to Christ, we view our relationships as Jesus views them, thus pulling us naturally together and away from those we shouldn’t have. The first step in getting closer to those we should be closer to, and leaving those we should leave behind, is growing closer to Christ. He will sort out the rest.
Let me add: Stubbornness. This is the grossest outflow of pride. Wisdom literature in the Old Testament has much to say about this, more than I care to type here. It’s straight-up sin! Yet, today it’s the most often excused character quality amongst Christians. People say, without knowing what they are saying: ‘I’m just stubborn’. They say this as if it’s acceptable. It’s terribly destructive because it’s the antithesis to the cure of all relationship killers… Love.
The answer to these death blows is a rare form of love today called, agape love. It’s the greek term most used to describe God’s love for us. It’s also the most used term in the New Testament. It’s the game changer! Humans cannot duplicate it. It has to come natural from within, from the Holy Spirit, sent from God alone. Its easiest definition is— Self-Sacrificing and Unconditional.
If we were to be more self-sacrificing and more unconditional about our love for others, most of this previous list would vanish. This love is to grow more and more. The question has to be raised: If you love someone self-sacrificingly would you be stubborn towards them when they say or need something? If you love someone unconditionally would you be offended so easily? If you loved someone like God loves you, would you be so defensive, or demand perfection from them? The obvious answer to all of these is… no.
We have to come back to love. We have got to be the disciple that loves just like Jesus did, and still does, or else can we call ourselves disciples at all?
“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” (John 13.34)