Let me share a well-known saying adapted for this post: ‘You can take yourself out of a conflict, but you can’t take the conflict out of life’. I was reminded recently that walking away may be the greater answer to conflict. But it’s not the only answer. If it were, Jesus failed at passivity. Good luck avoiding conflict, it is a growing part of this life. There has been conflict since the Garden of Eden. In fact, in the first family, one brother killed another over jealously. Conflict is here, and coming in larger amounts as we approach the end. We are in a boiling pot of conflict each and every day. People are explosive, and easily react to other’s outbursts. But what about us? What are we to do, not do in the midst of this climate of conflict? Again, it’s nothing new, just worse. Jesus dealt with conflict, obviously. He did so perfectly, so we can see some of His instructions in simply seeing how He managed it Himself.
John 4.4-6 reads: “And he must needs go through Samaria. Then cometh he to a city of Samaria, which is called Sychar, near to the parcel of ground that Jacob gave to his son Joseph. Now Jacob’s well was there. Jesus therefore, being wearied with his journey, sat thus on the well: and it was about the sixth hour.”
Jesus wisely left Jerusalem and the Pharisees who were seeking a confrontation (John 4.1-3), only to place Himself in the center of a conflict in the Samaritan village of Sychar. This time, He waded right into the mess. A typical Jew of His day would have passed quickly through or gone around Samaria. Not Jesus.
This passage sets the stage for the familiar encounter between Jesus and the woman at the well. We don’t know her name, but we know the watering hole was called “Jacob’s Well”. By sitting beside the well and addressing the woman, Jesus was facing a long-standing conflict between Jews and Samaritans. And, He made an eternal difference in a woman’s conflicted life. It seems Jesus staged a conflict to enable a woman to be released from her own conflicted life.
Jesus’ choices at Sychar illustrate five indications of when to deal with a conflict directly:
First, make sure the person being put out by dealing with it, is you. Jesus had to go out of His way to confront this problem. He was weary, but not distracted. When confronting another person, inconvenience yourself, not the person you’re talking to. The selfless life is just that, selfless. We must put ourselves out, not them. As Jesus did, speak their language; go to them; seek their audience; do so in humility.
Second, make sure the person being wronged, is not you. When you are being attacked, leave that conflict to the Lord and others. We are set for the defense of the Gospel and not always ourselves. When someone else is in trouble—get up out of your chair! Here and in the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10.30–37), we see Jesus confronted racism with passion. Too often people get all worked up when someone comes after them, but become passive when someone else is under attack.
Third, make sure the issue at stake matters to God. Jesus is dealing with something important to His Father. He shows love to Samaritans in general, and this woman in particular. We take up the torch of personal preferences and ‘helping a buddy out’, but leave off the one person’s opinions and feelings that matter most…God. Does this matter to Him or not. That is the question.
Forth, make sure the circumstances warrant proximity confrontation. Jesus was on His way somewhere, but He took advantage of an opportunity that presented itself. Let’s say you happen to be with a friend who has made a crass comment, this is in your proximity to confront. You can decide to confront then, but to hear about it from someone else, and in another time, isn’t really proximate to your confronting him or her.
Fifth, make sure to decide if avoidance would make things worse. If someone’s sinful behavior continues and the consequences grow, avoiding the problem is going to make it worse. You need to ask basic questions like: Is this a pattern, or a one-off?; Are they simply having a bad day?; Is this becoming who they are? It’s not a good time to give people excuses, but there may be room to cut some slack. How do you know which applies? Two answers: Look it up in scripture; and use spiritual discernment. Both are critical. Let’s not forget what goes in tandem with these… ask God. This is critical here.
Jesus knew how to pick battles, and when He engaged, He took effective action. He reached out to the Samaritan woman in a caring way—one that disarmed the racial and moral components of their encounter. What she later told others indicated her spiritual softening: Come, see a man, which told me all things that ever I did: is not this the Christ? (John 4.29).
Jesus demonstrates a redemptive approach to conflict. When you enter into relational turmoil, ask the Lord to help you represent Christ and His love in your interactions. Don’t be defensive or ever have an air of superiority. Whether it’s personal interaction or confronting a societal problem, you should long to emulate Jesus and bring glory to God in all your dealings with others. The results are in God’s hands, but your part should always be to seek His pleasure in your words and actions.
Are you facing a conflict you need to deal with directly? Is there a difficult conversation in front of you now? Before you act, pray. Ask God to clarify your own motives first, and give you new direction if your motives aren’t clear. Whether you determine to move forward or not, He does the actual confrontation on the inside.